#and i'm probs too hyper to function

[mariii1]

✨🏳️‍🌈𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙂𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙨 𝙔𝙤𝙪 𝙂𝙚𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧 𝙀𝙪𝙥𝙝𝙤𝙧𝙞𝙖?🏳️‍🌈✨

YEAHHHHHHHHJJHHHH

MY FIRST COLLAB EVERRR! Thank you so much to @upheavalofmemory for collaborating with me, this was honestly quite fun to plan everything out. I'll probs post again after this in another three months! 😜😘

Piles go from left to right from 1-6 🤗

Pile 1: Library: “Take control of your own narrative” Writing. Writing yourself into stories where you are your desired gender and have your desired appearance. Consuming content with people of your gender is also incredibly gender euphoric for you. You love getting representation for your gender, and it makes you feel a sense of bliss. Lavender: “Surround yourself with love” Hanging out with friends who support you is something that gives you gender euphoria. Your friend groups may be gender-diverse which gives you a sense of euphoria as your role in those relationships isn’t limited to your gender. If you’re out to your friends, they might support you and use your desired pronouns and if not, you know they’re still great friends who would support you regardless (even if they don’t understand). Universe: “We’re all just stardust” Body neutrality might give you gender euphoria. Body neutrality is the idea of appreciating your body for what it can do, regardless of what it looks like or how it functions. Giving your body parts names that are gender neutral or euphoric in relation to your gender, especially if you haven’t gotten surgeries or don’t intend on getting surgeries. Also, the idea of your body being a “flesh vessel” might also give you some comfort. Feather: “Think first before you judge” Similar to the Lavender message, you appreciate people who take the time to listen rather than immediately declare that they don’t support you, people who are willing to listen and take the time to support you, even if they struggle with it or don’t fully understand it. The efforts that family, friends, and/or acquaintances go through are something that gives you gender euphoria.

Pile 2: I think you guys want to be able to embrace your femininity in a way that works for you. I'm getting drag but it doesn't have to be about drag necessarily, just hyper femininity especially if you guys are amab. I feel it's been a constant struggle for you to determine what makes you feel feminine. You don't fit in or align with regular societal conventions around being feminine especially if you're somebody who's into new age stuff or if you're in a more conservative country. You may have a hard time with some of the gender roles and expectations of women or just what it means to be feminine in that culture. Sitting with yourself and really reflecting on what makes you feel feminine will help. Being surrounded or wearing very cute things, specifically getting the coquette aesthetic or just fairy/mystical nature vibes. Having a femininity that isn't like super hyper sexualized but also makes you feel very confident or at least one where you don't feel like you have to compete with other women to be more feminine. A lot of you have struggled with people telling you that you're not feminine enough or you're too feminine if you're male presenting. Really trying to separate from yourself and how you've been programed to see femininity in general especially if you struggle with being surrounded by toxic masculinity. some of you may also get euphoria from dressing up more gothic or alternative but may feel like you can't out of a fear of judgement. Also dark coquette vibes like black lace and doll like clothing. For some of you, you think that if you start wearing darker clothing, you'll be seen as an outcast but I personally think you'd just look really cute. some of you are also interested in wearing latex or bdsm clothing.. You could also try introducing that into your wardrobe little by little, maybe wearing a lowkey harness with your regular clothes or wearing latex stockings under a long skirt.

Pile 3: Grey: “Endings are inevitable” & Tree: “Let them go” Letting go of toxic people and cutting loose ends gives you gender euphoria. You (TW!) might not have supportive family members or friends, and you may intend on cutting them off. The idea of cutting them off and getting freedom from them, being able to be authentically yourself gives you gender euphoria. Burning those bridges and finding a new community to settle in (found family) may also give you gender euphoria, and you may or may not already have these people in your life. Tower: “Unplug & relax for a spell” Self-care makes you feel gender euphoric. You may have already transitioned (if you intend to) or you already feel confident in your body and your body makes you feel euphoric. You may focus on the small details of your body that give you that subtle confidence, and it makes you feel great. You may also be a witch or practice magic, which also gives you gender euphoria. You may study LGBTQ+ figures in religion or worship them, or feel accepted by them. In your religion or faith of choice you might feel unjudged and it gives you a heavy sense of euphoria and relief. Voyage: “You already have all the answers” Similar to the message from Tower, your body and the changes it goes through give you gender euphoria. You might be growing a bit of stubble, or your voice is finally pitched to perfection, or you were (finally) addressed as the gender you are in the grocery store or something similar. Also, knowing who you are and having that confidence within you gives you gender euphoria.

Pile 4: I'm already getting similar vibes to pile number 2 but even more dark and alt mostly gothic lolita and darker more fancy alt clothing. You guys might really love (or would love) to present as genderless. You might also identify as agender. Some of you might want to have a body that isn't super adult like and genderless in that way. It's not a weird regression thing but more having a body that can't be sexualized or presents as very neutral. There's specific top surgery for this but i forgot the name, def look into it though if it's something you might be interested in. A lot of you peeps give me Mana from Malice Mizer vibes (an iconnnn✨) He (and gothic lolita and the visual kei style in general) present as genderless at least to me. I think you guys would really appreciate retro or old Gothic clothing, again gothic lolita also vampire like goth clothing? That sounds snazzzy. I'm also getting glam rock for some of you (I've been into glam rock drag lately, it's perfect) Clothing where people literally would look at you and would just stutter when figuring out what pronouns to use for you. Just everyone being confused would honestly give ya'll a lot of euphoria. Also, if there was a particular style that you really liked in your childhood or admired/looked up to, definitely revisit that.

Pile 5: You might also be attracted to pile three. Mural: “Be your own first priority” & Potion “Practice self love.” Putting yourself and your needs first gives you the feeling of gender euphoria. Knowing you are advocating for yourself and the things you need, having the confidence to charge in without fear. Not focusing on the bigots, and being your best authentic self surrounded by people who accept you. Sundress: “Do it for you” & Evil Queen: “You deserve sugar, not salt.” (18+!) Dressing in feminine clothes might give you gender euphoria, depending on your gender or gender expression. Or in general, dressing the way you’d like to dress in terms of your gender. Possibly doing gender-positive makeup, using it to affirm your identity. You might participate in drag if it is applicable or dress as (stereotypically) different genders (especially if you are nonbinary or anywhere under the genderfluid umbrella). Additionally, (18+!) participating in sexual acts that reaffirm your gender gives you gender euphoria. Lighthouse: “Don’t doubt your worth” Like the first section, being an absolute bad b!tch is something that gives you gender euphoria. You might proudly be out of the closet, advocating for trans-youth, a nightmare in the comments sections (in a good way!), calling out bigots, etc. Such powerful energy honestly from this pile. You get gender euphoria by being your absolute, unapologetic self, even if it pisses off some people, you’d gladly piss them off and then some more, existing just out of spite.

Pile 6: You guys might suffer severely from (CW!) gender dysphoria. You may be considered more voluptuous or round especially for your gender. I'm getting a lot of amab people here, especially if you weigh more than others. I'm getting a lot of you just want to get rid of what you perceive to be womanly. At the same time, what would make you happier though is taking the time to plan your transition out. The transition itself would obviously give you lots of euphoria but you might feel as though you have to rush through your transition or as if there's no way you can live with the amount of dysphoria you have at the moment. I'm not saying that to say you should stay upset with your body and postpone any gender-affirming healthcare. However, I think you might need more exploration than you've initially thought. I also think talking to people about your feelings around your body would be really helpful or even just journaling about the changes that you might want and specifically why you want them. Again, not in a way to put yourself down but as a way to really think and see what would bring you happiness. And for some of you that is just losing weight and not being as curvacious. There might also be smaller ways to ease your dysphoria too. I think if you have been brought up by a more conservative family, you were programmed to believe in general roles especially in terms of your body that you definitely still should unpack. If you've ever felt like you're unnatural for feeling this way or as if transitioning was unnatural, you should just love your body the way it is. yada yada, I want you to know that whatever you believe in (whether that's a higher power, spirit guys, or just you know your future self) they DO want you to make this transition and they do approve of you making bodily changes in a way that would really make you happy. I honestly relate to this group and I feel like I'm gonna cry but just know we're all rooting for you!

[nathank77]

11/13/24

1:58 p.m

My mom actually called the rescue or so she said. She hasn't been a bitch and neither have I so idk why she would be lying. Liv is being a bitch about finding her a home to my mother. They will drag their ass on the floor until it's 4 years from now. I told my mom last night after hearing her phone call with them that the only way to make sure we don't have Riley forever is to light a fire under skye and livs ass. I said if you call the rescue it'll take a few weeks. If you tell them they need to find her a home in 3 weeks or the rescue is taking her, if they can find a home for her they will and if they can't then well she will be a good rescue.

I went shopping, I still haven't eaten... I'm about to make some food. I saw that girl with schizophrenia at her job. Sometimes I see her there. She came up to me happy to see me and complimented my new glasses, I said I miss my Ray-Bans bc I do... I would rather be wearing them. I asked her how she was, I've told her I hallucinate too through Snapchat cause I wanted someone to relate to and she's quite functional working a full time job. She's just emotional... which is why when she flirted with me and got my number it didn't work out. She was crying on the phone to me day one about how nice it was to be understood which is sad.... this was before I started hallucinating... just that I understood mental illness... but it went from zero to one hundred. She got my number wanted to hear my voice before bed and all that and I was like this is not how operate. We got to be good friends for a while and slowly and awkwardly become more..

It's sad cause she always wants to talk to me but once she realizes it isn't going anywhere she unadds me on Snapchat. Sees me in person and then readds me and it repeats.

I asked her how she was and she said you know i want to die everyday and I said I know exactly what you mean. Hallucinating makes you want to die bc you can't fucking stop it and the harder you try the more you hallucinate...

So I hugged her after she gave me a fist pound or whatever. I needed a hug cause no one touches me and she needed a hug cause she wants to die everyday. I mean I feel bad cause I prob lead her on a little but I really needed a hug and I know she did. She will talk to me on snap for a few days realize it isn't advancing to partnership and then delete the add.. but it's whatever. Then I'll see her at her Job sometime in the next month and it'll repeat.

I got my brain scan from last year but you know i don't have a disc drive... so I got to figure out that portion of it to view it. I'm worried my brain will look the same as it does now but they had no comparison and they would have said global volume loss so I'm reminding myself if I had global volume loss now it would have been denoted in my results. I just got to figure out how to view it so I can compare my current ones to my old ones..

I got my thyriod bloodwork done. I'm hoping I'm less hyper.... I only pooped twice yesterday.... today it's been 3 times.... if my levels are normal I'm stopping metopolol bc Idk what my heart rate would be if I stopped but if the results are similar to last month I'll just stay on it.

I took a bigger piece of xanax last night bc of the night before struggling to sleep. I'm worried about tonight but I mean I might double up on Hydroxyzine... to try to give myself the best chance. I'm def worried.